Being a woman in tech you take for granted a lot of behaviours directed at you that would not be acceptable in any other setting, but you are at work and this is normal. I did not realise until recently how desensitised I have been from being told I don't know enough or being treated as if I don't know what I am talking about, I normally just brush it off because it is not worth my brain cycles.

I am not happy that this keeps happening to women and minorities in tech, so I thought I'd write about it for my own sanity and in case it can help someone else realise this is happening.

Situation 1

You are a female engineer at a technical company and work with a lot of other teammates on different projects. One of those teammates keeps questioning what you do and keeps asking other males to validate his assumptions when it comes to evaluating your work. They may be more senior than you, they may be someone you look up to, they may be your boss, or they may be just your peer.

You show up every day to do the job, and you keep being questioned and told you are really not that trustworthy. You are constantly told how lacking your work is even though, there is no actionable feedback on how to fix it.

As a woman, you are used to being treated with doubt, and having to demonstrate you are worth it. As an engineer, the nature of your job is to have it reviewed and questioned by others in a healthy way too, so this situation may be confused with needing to learn, needing extra help/feedback, they know better.

It is extremely difficult to spot the abuse in this situation unless someone points it out from the outside.

If you see anyone being treated this way at work, please speak up. If you don't call it out, you are allowing it to happen.

Situation 2

You are a female manager and have a team that you are responsible for. A male colleague, really friendly and nice, a tad patronising but not much, you've certainly seen worse, starts questioning your work. Not giving you feedback but downright not believing what you are reporting is happening, and saying so out loud to others to sow doubt and discredit your authority with your team and with the work you are delivering.

This is easier to spot as wrong, but still a form of abuse and still difficult to correct.

You are in a position of authority and if there are doubts about your performance your manager should be made aware, but you should not tolerate being constantly questioned about the things you are saying/reporting in front of others, talk to HR.

Situation 3

You are a female leader of a relatively big organisation and a colleague patronises you regularly and question your word in public regularly. There's not a lot you can do unless they report to you, and you can work on correcting the behaviour. You can talk to their manager, and sometimes you'll find someone receptive to your feedback and other times you'll find someone that doesn't believe what you are saying either. If they are outside your organisation, you just try to keep doing a good job and stick to the truth hoping it'll be enough. It all becomes a political game of smoke and mirrors where, sadly, often the questioner gets attention and sows doubt in others about your ability and that of your team to do the job. Confronting the abuser doesn't work in my experience, although I have tried every time this has happened.

If they have credibility, they can trivially get away with it, and you end up having to justify every decision, including every task your team undertakes. Everyone tells you in private: you are right, this behaviour is outrageous and should not be tolerated, but nobody confronts the abuser on the record, and you finish the work day wondering whether you are in fact doing a good job or whether this person is right and everything you say is in fact not true. When you reach this point, you have two options: you either leave the company or you stand your ground and report the behaviour to HR.

How to approach such conversation with HR

As a manager I have had many conversations with HR and with my own managers about other people's behaviour, both for good and bad. When you are in a situation where you think your psychological health is at risk, you have to take action. Even more important if you have a team reporting to you, because you have a duty of care towards your team.

When you are in a situation similar to the ones described, the best way to handle it is by documenting the behaviour every time it happens, to build a timeline, as devoid of feelings as possible, just stick to the facts, what was said, when was it said and what was the context, how was it disruptive. Once you have a few instances of this behaviour documented/screen copied or whichever medium they happen on, you craft an email or write a document to share with HR. Then you send it and talk to HR about it.

It is not ok to be gaslit at work. It is not ok to allow that others are gaslit at work and do nothing. Defend your psychological safety and that of your teams.

Conclusion

In my experience, leaving is ok if you have reached a point of no return, but fixing the situation on the way out for your team's sake is advisable. You have suffered the behaviour and spotted it, so it is on you to call it out. If it is ignored, you have done your best and can sleep well knowing you did your part. Best case scenario it is not ignored and someone of authority takes steps to correct it.